www.TheNursinghomeGuide.net

Several years ago, I read a newspaper story that has stuck with me for a long time. It concerned an elderly Arizona gentleman who had been a felon for much of his life.

For some years he had gone straight but owing to desperate finances, very bad health and perhaps an unflagging criminal bent, he held up a convenience store from his wheelchair at age 92. His getaway was none too swift and as he exited the handicapped ramp the police apprehended him.

He was soon convicted and a wise judge deliberated on the sentence. The judge observed that the man was not a flight risk and that he badly needed care. The judge offered him a choice between 7-10 years in prison or admission to a local nursing home.

The felon responded that he'd rather take his chances in prison because he'd never get out of a nursing home alive.

You may be considering puting a parent, an uncle, an aunt or someone dear to us in a nursing home--and like the felon, would prefer just about any other option. You have other options such as assisted living, residential care and foster care for seniors.

But what if you conclude that a nursing home is necessary?

Some of us have promised (as have I and my siblings) not to put a father or mother in a nursing home. These promises are often made towards the end of a holiday meal like Thanksgiving. After everyone has finished the main course, sipped plenty of wine, and dessert is about to begin, the topic arises. It is usually one of the elders in our midst: "Do you remember Aunt Gussie? Her son Irving  just put her in a nursing home."   Silence, and then the other shoe drops, "Promise me, you'll never stick me in some god forsaken place like that." Another pregnant pause and then "Sure, Mom. Pass the rice pudding."

As a geriatrician in the practice of long-term care, I've heard this story a hundred times.

Because I specialize in this field, I know that almost everyone sees nursing home care as a last resort. Many of us have made promises that we cannot keep. It can break our hearts to have to put someone we love and who more than likely raised us and sacrificed for us into a nursing home.

So what's a child to do?  Is a good home really that hard to find?

My book "The Nursing Home Guide: a Doctor Reveals What You Need to Know about Long-Term Care" will help guide you in your search for a good home. In it,  I try to paint an accurate picture of the state of long term care and how to be sure the resident of the home, whether it is your parent, friend or neighbor, finds the best nursing home as close as possible to your where yo live  and gets the best treatment available.

The cast of characters on a nursing home staff is long and deserves discussion too. You have limited amounts of time. Being a caring and devoted family member or friend requires time to visit, call and advocate for your loved one. It's critical to understand who-is-who in a nursing home can so you can share time with your loved one and avoid the "run-around".

A good nursing home doctor places him or herself in the shoes of my residents whenever I possible. One of my favorite residents was a gentleman named Eddie who was 104 when first we met. He had been a tailor and still threaded a needle with ease. I had just been introduced as the new doctor on the unit.

He recently had prostate problems and had been to a urologist (a man's best friend, my cousin the urologist tells me) who had ordered some lab tests. Sensing he might get more information from me than from the last doctor, he swept up to me like a middle linebacker. I checked with the lab and the results were not ready.

I told Eddie there was nothing to report but every half-hour he approached me to ask again.  I then made the mistake of saying something like, "Eddie, what's the rush? You've lived 104 years. What difference would a day or two make?" Eddie grabbed me by the lapel of my bright white lab coat and said, "Doc, you don't understand. I'm 104. Every minute counts."

Nursing homes are combinations of the good the bad and the ugly. I hope you'll come to see that it is not all ugly out there. There's plenty of good to be said about nursing homes. As a society, we're quick to blame external factors when things go wrong. There are also times when stuff happens, people age, the good times end, and friends abandon friends. Too often we expect miracles and are disappointed.

Sometimes in life, you have the ability to learn more and do better, but miss the chance. Please do not miss that chance now. Discover what makes nursing homes "tick" to find the right facility and get the best care there. Even if you couldn't keep your promise--Thanksgiving dinner or not-you can make the most of what lies ahead.